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Dear Devore Sisters,
How do I tell the world’s foremost experts on love and the general bunk that accompanies relationships about one facet of my sex life that is
uncomfortable— and is rapidly becoming intolerable? Plunging in headfirst has always been my style, so here goes... First of all, let’s get one thing straight from the
start— I’m not the one having a problem, at least I don't "think" that I am. Oh no! It’s my wife we’re talking
about— she’s become a flaming harlot during adult "play time"— and I’m now convinced she’s completely and thoroughly addicted to bedroom fantasies of all varieties (as in I play the "pirate" and she plays the "damsel in distress" who needs rescuing from the sinking ship). This is driving me crazy. I’m 48 years old and Zelda and I have been married for 18 years. Our sex life has always been fine (I’m certainly not
complaining)— you know every couple of weeks on Friday or Saturday night after the kids were safely tucked into bed (or at the neighbor’s house). Of course when we were first married, we behaved like rabbits in heat. Then, like all couples who experience the "after the kids were born" syndrome, we couldn’t be as
spontaneous— we had to make dates, schedule our "intimate together
time"— which was thankfully of a short duration in those years. I’m not technically complaining, and I love Zelda dearly, but sometimes her need to achieve "fulfilling orgasmic ecstasy" each and every time, travels above and beyond what I consider the whole
foreplay— during play— after play levels of intimacy to be. She’s always been into toys and atmosphere and
ambiance— heck, we had candles littering the house and bedroom when aromatherapy was "all the rage"... And, as the kids have grown older, Zelda’s antics have gotten a bit kinkier. We’ve now moved into an entirely new arena of staged
productions— costuming, assigned roles, scripted parts, the whole
enchilada— and I’m having a hard time understanding what she finds so appealing in all this. If I’m the Wolf and Zelda is Little Red Riding Hood and I stalk her for about twenty minutes, then catch her and, well, you know what comes
next— what does this playacting have to do with the act of making love? Here’s the final
straw— last month Zelda became the character ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ in full battle regalia from the over-the-knee boots, to the iron-studded leather corset, all the way to Xena’s choice of weapon (kind of like a boomerang sort of thing). And that’s not the half of it. On alternate nights my role is Xena’s sidekick Gabrielle (what’s up with this
anyway— are they lovers?) or the God of War, Ares (I like this guy
better— he’s the bad boy and gets to wear leather too!). But in this scenario Xena— alias
Zelda— is the dominant partner, the supreme mistress, while I play a subservient knave who caters to Xena’s every whim. Believe me some of Xena’s
commands— should I be a good warrior today, or the evil princess?— can be downright intimidating. What’s next? I’m afraid I’ll find Xena’s horse in our bedroom one day because Zelda has gone twelve steps over the edge. Should I continue to play along, or put my foot down here and now?
Signed Caught Up In An Alternate Fiction World
Dear Caught Up,
For a big, macho stud you certainly took this one on the chin! Get real— Mimi is positively aghast, speechless (which doesn’t happen
often)— she can’t believe you’ve actually written to us complaining about a sex life
that— from all counts— should be glorious, amusing, invigorating, boisterous, delightful, fulfilling and satisfying for both you and your wife. Titillation at it’s finest, igniting the fires of passion to the utmost. We’re positively drooling with envy, pea-green with jealousy! Tell us, how does Zelda get you to perform all these various and sundry parts in her epic tales of bedroom splendor? The fantasies that you and Zelda flirt with are the stuff that most women pine
for— it’s a real soap opera fanatic’s ultimate dream, topped of course, with whipped cream and a cherry. Think about
it— knowing that the female anatomy is highly complex and often considered like a foreign country to a majority of men, coupled with the fact that most woman require the added dimension of "emotional attachment" during the lovemaking
process— how long do you honestly believe it takes for her to become completely and utterly bored with the ho-hum, monotonous, tedious, drab, insipid, tiresome aspects of a love life that uses only one method for enhancement and one position (or two, if you’re creative) for fulfillment? Stop being such a cowering, flatulent, wormy toadstool. Zelda has taken the initiative and created a mixture of savory, sexy spices that only serve to enhance your sex life, a posture almost in complete contradiction to the multitude of long-term relationships we know
about— where the men claim their women are disinterested, aloof, uncaring, even perfunctory. Why are you whining? You should be thankful for such a resourceful, energetic woman. Mimi’s extensive personal research delving the depths of depravity in society as a whole has concluded: "When it comes to what women really need to arouse them sexually, men are so totally clueless that they truly believe more is better, even when their substandard performance can’t measure up to and ant’s eyebrows." Now, we don’t believe in the harming of fruits, vegetables or wildlife to satiate a sexual urge. Neither do we condone really big hair, blue food or Elvis
impersonators— but that’s another story. Suffice it to say, if you and Zelda find your fun and games enthralling and
entertaining— where no one is placed in any physical jeopardy, your life is not hanging by a thread or in immanent peril, and the obnoxious noise level has not alerted the neighbors to your acrobatics and
antics— then yee-haw, battle on warrior sidekick— Xena Rules— but take this tidbit to
heart— try to follow a "don’t ask don’t tell" policy about the relationship between Gabrielle and Xena.
UB
Feel free to
e-mail those wacky Devore sisters with all of your relationship
questions at UPBEATmag@aol.com.
All letters are subject to editing for both space and clarity.
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